musings

It's interesting to think that had I stuck to my original plan, I would have left India last week, be back in France at Dechen Chöling and preparing to start the Dathun this weekend (a monthlong meditation retreat.)

I can't even imagine how I could have left last week, but it's strange because my new role (no longer Ryan's official caregiver, but a friend who is living in Delhi) is rather discombobulating. It is particularly confusing after being so directly involved for the first month of Ryan's treatment - I think I might feel differently if I was in Erin's situation (who has always lived outside the hospital.)

I'm elated that Kanako is here and she's doing an amazing job as Ryan's second-in-command, but it's hard not to feel somewhat removed from the situation when I live so far away and can't be there with Ryan all of the time. This is all compounded by the fact that I'm all of a sudden having a lot of freelance transcription work to do (which is a good thing because then I can afford to be here for an extra month), but I feel sort of out of the loop and on my own most of the time.

I don't mind being on my own (in fact, I rather like it) but then I start to feel confused about what I am doing here. What am I doing here? Supporting my best friend Ryan as she receives stem cell treatment. But it seems like such a huge challenge to truly do so when I live so far away, am often busy with work or going to the gym, and am wanting to give Kanako the space to support Ryan in the way I was able to for the first month.

It's a tough situation to be in. I miss "checking in" with Ryan every night before we went to sleep and being there for late night fun with the webcam and ice cream runs. But I had my turn, and now I have to figure out how to support Ryan in a different capacity.

With all of that said, I can't even imagine leaving now or last week - I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to stay for the second month of Ryan's treatment. I can't imagine being anywhere else while she's going through this.

I suppose it will just take some time to sort of reassess my role here, and until then I'll continue to bumble around, say the wrong things and feel slightly uncomfortable until I figure out where my new place is.

four people and one wheelchair in a rickshaw